He is a believer in a cruel prophecy. One where he has every right to harm others in the name of the Father. One where his own suffering and emptiness will be alleviated in a glorious death.
He is here now, and his Father has been shown fallible.
You're probably right that the stuff you're thinking of would be a punishment [punishment and consequences aren't the same thing, and it's not like he hasn't been locked up in places where you could say that... comforts were denied.].
I don't think I'd like to be in a place where the people... with more power [if not exactly 'in charge'] would do that. But that doesn't fix anything for the people who were hurt.
...I think that in this case maybe it should be left to Abel and Doctor Hilbert. Perhaps especially Doctor Hilbert.
[Abel's death was wrong, of course, but he doesn't think it's simple personal bias to think forcing someone into actions they wouldn't choose - unaware - is an even deeper violation.]
If he hurt another inmate... I know you don't see the world as I do [not a lot of people do, really], and I think your way is just as true. Whatever those differences are, you make the world a better place. It doesn't matter if the world deserves it. Don't you deserve better?
[ She frowns at him. There is some nasty, haughty part of herself that knows perfectly well that she makes the world a better place. But that is also the part of her that wants to crush impediments in her fist and feed them to her plants. To control things and put them to order.
She knows that part of herself is ugly. She wishes it would shut up as much as she longs for its aggression and power. ]
I deserve better than to watch my friends used like puppets by a desperate, weak little man. If Jacob Seed cannot behave himself appropriately, then he can burn out under the sun.
[Allen sees it in the gardens. In the life she can bring, when the world is so full of death. Sometimes his head is so full of the twisted faces of tortured souls that it can feel like there's nothing else. Then he can touch the petal of a flower and remember that the world is so much more.]
You do.
[But he sees those tortured faces, and he doesn't think anyone deserves to have to see that.]
I've always liked the rain. Maybe I shouldn't. Through most of my life... bad things happen when it rains. [From the trouble that comes with the lack of audience, to watching blood pool as outside the window a storm rages. But in his dreams it's always the sun leaching away at him.] I like the snow too - and I almost died in it. So maybe I just have it all mixed up.
I almost died in a forest, once. The last thing I saw were the leaves... I didn't want to die [he's never wanted to die], but if the last thing I saw was something that lived long before me and would continue long after...
I don't think trees would recognize death as something to mourn. They could simply grow back over the destruction caused by a fight...
[ People don't get what they deserve. She feels an impulse to tell him otherwise. It is like a knife to the heart, and she flinches a little. To deserve is to exert some little manner of control over things that cannot be predicted nor tamed. Of course, when the bodies pile up so high, there is no justice to be found in it. They had died for nothing, and she had lived, paralyzed at the side of a monster. Every reassurance she could offer was a lie. Her answer is rigid and numb, ]
I've seen divine justice. A man punished by God for his crimes. He did do what he was struck down for. It wasn't the kindness - or cruelty - that people offer for nothing. It was an honest accounting of his actions...
[He squeezes her hand.]
But I don't think he deserved that 'justice'. If I was there again... I'd fight for his survival just as I did then. [Did he deserve to live when he'd sent others to their deaths? Allen doesn't think that's what matters.] You planet the seeds.
[He laughs a little because he'd learned the dangers of crying a long time ago.]
When the Admiral offered me this job... back home, there's stuff that's simply true, so I accept it because it doesn't matter. [Whether or not he accepts it doesn't matter, and there's too much that needs to be done to waste time fighting it.]
Here, I'm not living against a clock [not in the same way]. Sometimes, that feels harder to accept.
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He is a believer in a cruel prophecy. One where he has every right to harm others in the name of the Father. One where his own suffering and emptiness will be alleviated in a glorious death.
He is here now, and his Father has been shown fallible.
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He sounds a lot like certain people back home...
You're probably right that the stuff you're thinking of would be a punishment [punishment and consequences aren't the same thing, and it's not like he hasn't been locked up in places where you could say that... comforts were denied.].
I don't think I'd like to be in a place where the people... with more power [if not exactly 'in charge'] would do that. But that doesn't fix anything for the people who were hurt.
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[ Especially inmates who don't care about graduating, but who still expect a certain decorum. ]
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[Abel's death was wrong, of course, but he doesn't think it's simple personal bias to think forcing someone into actions they wouldn't choose - unaware - is an even deeper violation.]
If he hurt another inmate... I know you don't see the world as I do [not a lot of people do, really], and I think your way is just as true. Whatever those differences are, you make the world a better place. It doesn't matter if the world deserves it. Don't you deserve better?
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She knows that part of herself is ugly. She wishes it would shut up as much as she longs for its aggression and power. ]
I deserve better than to watch my friends used like puppets by a desperate, weak little man. If Jacob Seed cannot behave himself appropriately, then he can burn out under the sun.
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You do.
[But he sees those tortured faces, and he doesn't think anyone deserves to have to see that.]
I've always liked the rain. Maybe I shouldn't. Through most of my life... bad things happen when it rains. [From the trouble that comes with the lack of audience, to watching blood pool as outside the window a storm rages. But in his dreams it's always the sun leaching away at him.] I like the snow too - and I almost died in it. So maybe I just have it all mixed up.
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Then we will go take a walk in the rain.
[ And maybe that will cool her temper. Maybe it won't. ]
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I'd like that.
...I like to see the moss in the rain.
[He doesn't have a ton of hobbies.]
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The Enclosure will show us whatever we ask to see. A lush forest, perhaps?
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Perhaps by a creek.
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[ She will wait at the door of the Enclosure to hold his hand. ]
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It's been a long time since I've walked in a forest.
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[ The strange garden that she tended below the palace had an orchard, but that was not a natural ecosystem. ]
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[Which doesn't really lend itself to appreciating the scenery.]
I've gotten the chance to see a lot of different places [but usually because he's about to fight].
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[ It is her sisterly duty to observe this. ]
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It's what I am.
[He's a weapon of God, but he was the one who chose to dedicate his life to the world. How could he chose to do anything but fight for the world?]
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[ An airy theoretical. ]
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[He laughs a little.]
I almost died in a forest, once. The last thing I saw were the leaves... I didn't want to die [he's never wanted to die], but if the last thing I saw was something that lived long before me and would continue long after...
I don't think trees would recognize death as something to mourn. They could simply grow back over the destruction caused by a fight...
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People don't get what they deserve.
I still think it's nice when they're remembered. With the Black Order it sometimes felt like there were too many deaths to keep track of.
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I had my seeds. And so I planted them.
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[He squeezes her hand.]
But I don't think he deserved that 'justice'. If I was there again... I'd fight for his survival just as I did then. [Did he deserve to live when he'd sent others to their deaths? Allen doesn't think that's what matters.] You planet the seeds.
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[ She said this once before, but the way it rings in her chest feels different now. ]
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When the Admiral offered me this job... back home, there's stuff that's simply true, so I accept it because it doesn't matter. [Whether or not he accepts it doesn't matter, and there's too much that needs to be done to waste time fighting it.]
Here, I'm not living against a clock [not in the same way]. Sometimes, that feels harder to accept.
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[ She had screamed for days when she was first brought here, had cried for days more. It was all supposed to be over. ]
But then you learn to wake up for breakfast and move on with your day.
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